there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
There r osticjed everywhere
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
