R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
