Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
