tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
