She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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