chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
