Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
