giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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