People with herpes should wear stickers.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
