worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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