i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
