i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
