Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
