I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
