I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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