watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
