I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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