it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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