I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
