I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
