I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
