Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just tell him i said nine months
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
