Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
