she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
