bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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