He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
