Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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