I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
