why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
