I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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