you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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