so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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