Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Randomize
