I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
