I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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