I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
