dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
