Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
