I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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