Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
