just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
