sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
