i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
