i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
