Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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