Even the bartender felt bad for me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
