You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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