he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
