Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
