I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
