I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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