What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
